Twixtmas – Day 1

Geoff Roberts Twixtmas

Here we are on Day 1 of Twixtmas…

You can transform your personal happiness by doing a five-day work out during the Twixtmas break – the period between Christmas and New Year. By following some easy-to-do ‘happiness workout’ tips you can make yourself happier, ready to step into 2011 with more optimism and energy.
The binge happiness five-day programme consists of completing what is called a ‘happy diary’ for each of the five days of Twixtmas, December 27-December 31, which focus on the happy, positives in your life.
Writing down positive thoughts and feelings has been proven to beat just talking about them. Scientists believe that writing encourages the creation of a structure and storyline which can help people make sense of what has happened in their past and also guide and direct them towards finding solutions. Just talking about problems can often be unstructured, disorganised, and even chaotic. As a result, it can add a sense of confusion to your emotional state.
Twixtmas campaigner and GREEN director Andy Green said: “Arm yourself with pen and paper and make some time during the Twixtmas break to give yourself a five-day happiness work-out. Expressing your appreciation and thinking about the positive aspects of your future, or even writing affectionate things, have been scientifically proven to work and make you feel better in yourself.”Today’s workout is:

Day 1 Write down four things from the past week which have made you feel grateful. Then think about and write down how one of the best experiences in your life made you feel.

So here is my Day1 writing:

Over the last week, I have been grateful for

  1. having the opportunity to share my material and emotional wealth with so many people over Xmas,
  2. the efforts of my colleagues in Artworks during difficult times,
  3. that my granddaughter Niamh is such a delight and for
  4. the thought and grace that Lucy put into my Xmas presents.

Thank you all for your help and support.

Now for a ‘best life experience’ (Note that this is ‘a’ best experience, not ‘the’ best – that would be too much of a challenge and risk downgrading some experiences just because at this very moment they do not feel top of the list). I want to write briefly about one evening about 15 years ago when I sat alone on the beach in Sri Lanka watching the sun set.  The sea rippled gently in the background and as I watched trancelike in the deep heat of the day the sky became suffused with liquid gold the more I watched the more relaxed I became; sitting on the warm sand I felt connected to the earth, at peace and at one with nature. For that half hour as the sune slid below the horizon, I could have been anywhere and nowhere.

The breakfast of champions

Geoff Roberts change

All the recent media coverage of Wikileaks, Vince Cable’s indiscretions, a recent reminder of the Gordon Brown ‘bigot moment’ and those of footballer’s wives left me thinking about standards of behaviour in those who are perceived as leaders/role models.

It seems to me that what is lacking here is straightforward integrity. I quite like the following definition:

Integrity as a concept has to do with perceived consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcome.

I want/need to know that when my boss says something she means it and will not express a different opinion to someone else behind my back. Anyone with pretentions to leadership surely needs consistency as one of their core attributes. Over a long career there was many a time when I disagreed with my various bosses, but the better ones were consistent and also respected my right to disagree. If your boss wants you to jump off the end of the pier (or indeed you want your followers to do so!) then I need to be confident that they are asking it becasue they really cannot see any alternative not because it feeds some personal agenda of their own.

By being duplicitous she is not only undermining my own and others’ belief in them but also setting up tensions in their own brain. It’s a bit like the idea that it’s easier to tell the truth than a lie, because then you only have to remember the truth instead of which lies you told to whom.

I have heard the line a few time recently “Well, haven’t we all at some time or another whispered under our breaths or out of earshot of the subject that they area a bit of a ******” Well, some say that such a comment lost the last election for Labour, that and unguarded comment could well lose Vince Cable his Cabinet post…  What I say is that one of my guiding principles been “if you are not prepared to say it to their face then don’t say it behind their backs”

So next time you find yourself commenting on someone’s behaviour behind their backs, perhaps you could ask yourself “Am I prepared to say this to their face?” If the answer is “No” then perhaps you need to question yourself about what’s stopping you – after all, feedback is the breakfast of champions and isn’t it part of a leader’s job to grow champions?

CIA – not the Central Intelligence Agency!

Geoff Roberts Uncategorized

A friend of mine is due to fly in to the UK from Germany today – snow permitting (that’s snow in Germany, they had a big dump shortly after we left on Wednesday). Will she get here? Will the snow close the airport or the roads to it? Will there be a delay? All these questions we have met before, and will no doubt meet again.

Now I know my friend is not one of those passengers who will spend the day before fretting over whether or not they will make it, or use time at the airport shouting at staff to ‘get things sorted out’ if they are delayed – she knows better than to stress herself over stuff she cannot change.

One of my favourite TLAs is CIA; it’s a favourite because in my context it does not stand for the Central Intelligence Agency. I find it helpful as a way of responding to what happens around me. I ask myself, “Can I…”:

Control the happening? – in which case take that control and make it happen how you want it to.

Influence what might happen? – in which case choose whether or not to use your influence.

Accept what is happening? – if you cannot Control and choose not to Influence, then you really must accept what is happening and get on with it.

Remember that Influence is always a choice; we write to our MP, we go on the ‘million man march’ against the Iraq War, we explain our predicament to the airline checking receptionist, we ‘suggest’ which restuarant to go to, a little man weaves his own loincloth before walking across a whole country making some salt and ultimately getting the British out of India. Everything is influenceable, it’s up to you to decide where to put your limited resources and whether or not the possible change is either likely and/or worth the effort.

So, how stressed do you get by events that you cannot change (snow?) or choose not to influence?

When to take a rest.

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Car stuck on icy roadWell, I have just spent 30 minutes in an unsuccessful attempt to get our car up the icy slope that trapped us in yesterday. We managed to recover the car from its overnight resting place half way up/down ‘our’ lane, but despite our best efforts could not get it far enough up the hill to actually escape and enter the world. For the time being, we had failed.

Now, I know that the car will get out today, and equally I knew that the time had come to take a rest. Bodies were becoming exhausted, as were those inner resources upon which we draw under challenge.My guess was that one extra person pushing would have made the difference, but that one extra person did not appear when we needed them.

Does this sound familiar? Working away at a task that really needs doing and exhausting yourself in the process? Well, unless you are trying to defuse a nuclear bomb, the world is unlikely to end when you delay a little. Continuing to struggle away when circumstances are clearly against you and help is not at hand seems foolish and runs the risk of over-stressing not just you but those around you. Sometimes, what is needed is to take a rest and come back to the task a bit later.

We will be out of our lane by lunchtime…

What is really happening?

Geoff Roberts Uncategorized

Today was one of those mornings…car won’t start, arrangements for our few days in Germany going to pot, non-existent ‘customer service’ from Netflights (very happy to name the ******s), kitchen scissors disappeared again, breakfast sausages still frozen… aaarrrgggghhhhh!! Why does it all happen to me!?

Do you recall the old sore “Bad things always come in threes”? How come the opposite does not apply “Good things always come in tens”? Well, it’s to do with perception, not reality (and OK for those of you who want to say that there is no reality, just perception – I Agree).

It turns out that us humans are very selective in what we notice about the world – have you ever noticed how mums- and dads-to-be suddenly start recognising other pregnant women or baby shops, when you last bought a new car did you suddenly notice rather a lot of them on the road…? My wife could tell you more about it, but we have this part of our brain called the – are you ready for this? – Reticular Activating System, which essentially pre-programs our brain to notice certain things and, by implication, ignore others.

Try this now – look around the room you are in and notice as many blue things as you can in 30 seconds. Surprised? Now, how many red things did you notice while you were looking for the blue ones? Weird eh? Your RAS programmed your brain to notice one thing (blue items) and implicitly ignore others (red ones).

Now this goes on all the time. We notice what is important to us or on our minds at the time (babies, blue things, churches, beggars, stuff going wrong…) and fail to notice all sorts else. This just has to happen. If we were to pay active attention to all the verious data streams impacting on our senses at any one time we really would need a brain the size of a planet and would be in a state of constant confusion.

I wonder what good stuff was happening while I was noticing all the **** this morning?

It has been suggested that the most effective long-term mental state is one of “pessimistic optimism” (of which, more in a future blog), so next time you find everything going to pot, remind your RAS to look out for the good stuff as well. And, equally, next time all is going swimmingly just be sure to put a tiny bit of your attention on what might go wrong – to recall what us Boy Scouts were always told “be prepared”.

Do a bit, learn a bit…

Geoff Roberts change

I have spent some of today redesigning the look of this blog, using (if you are interested) a very handy design creation tool called Artisteer. It now looks different to how it looked at 10:00 or at 12:00 or even at 14:00 – and may well look different again before the end of the day! “So what?” you might ask, and quite rightly so. Well, I realised that this redesign was a bit, actually quite a lot, like redesigning how we live.

I started with a recognition that something needed to change – maybe different fonts, maybe layout etc… – wondered how to go about making the changes, sought out a tool to help me then started playing with the tool, all along being aware that my fisrt efforts would take time whilst I learned how to make the change then knowing that I could change things bit by bit and review the results before finally committing; even then I know that further changes can be made – and that small changes can be done quickly and easily.

So, what has this got to do with a personal development blog? Well, it stuck me that there are some very similar lessons:

  1. Sometimes we just have a feeling that ‘something needs to change’, without being really sure what
  2. Sometimes we struggle alone before realising that someone else might be able to help
  3. Sometimes we have to change several things at once, yet other times we can simplify it and make one change at a time
  4. Some changes are easy, some take more practice
  5. Sometimes we make a change only to find that it’s still not quite right and needs further adjustment
  6. When we think we have finished, we have not finished – there is always more to do.

So, back to the title of this piece “Do a bit, learn a bit”. It is only when we actually make a change that we find out whether or not it is an appropriate change. Those changes can be quite small yet have a profound effect. Go on, make a change in your life today…

Taking responsibility

Geoff Roberts change

I was speaking with a wonderful, educated, passionate, articulate homeless man this morning.

Firstly, the discussion reminded me that you don’t have to be (to use a non-PC term) the ‘dregs of society’ to become homeless these days.

Then I asked “So what was it that helped you take those first steps back out of the hole you were in?” His response is a lesson for many. His reply was telling:

“I decided that I had to take responsibility for myself”.

This wonderful man recognised, even in the depths of despair, that it was up to him and him alone to accept his part in his past. Yes, others had their part to play in his past and his ‘downfall’; Yes, he would and did accept help from others; and most of all, Yes he could and would take personal responsibility in preference to blaming others. He is far from where he wants to be, yet he is also far from where he was – the journey is long and hard and he knows that only he can make the journey. I wished him well before I went off to my warm home, wonderful wife, well stocked pantry…

So my challenge is for you to answer these two questions:

  1. “To what extent are you prepared to accept that you have you contributed to any problems in your life?”
  2. “Are you going to take responsibility for yourself, your past and your future – or do you want to be comfortable and blame others?”

No regrets

Geoff Roberts change

When I am coaching face-to-face I often finish with a story – they are intended to be metaphorical and designed so that the subject can make their own sense of them. However, every now and again, one story sticks with me personally – this piece, usually accredited to Nadine Stair aged 85, is one:

If I had my life over…

I’d dare to make more mistakes next time

I’d relax, I’d limber up

I would be sillier than I have been this trip

I would take fewer things seriously

I would take more chances

I would take more trips

I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers

I would eat more ice cream and less beans

I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I’d have fewer imaginary ones

You see I am one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day

Oh, I’ve had my moments and if I had to do it over again I would have more of them,

in fact I’d try to have nothing else – just moments.

One after another instead of living so many years ahead of each day

I’ve been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute

If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter next time

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall

I would go to more dances

I would ride more merry go rounds

I would pick more daisies.

Ms Stair’s tale reminds us that it is not the things we have done that we will regret but the things we have not done.

So here’s the challenge, to have a quick think about how many days have gone past with you (me) regretting what you have not done? Then take action. What is there that you want to do but have yet to fulfil? Make a plan. Go and do it.

What is cluttering up your brain?

Geoff Roberts change

Just how much mess is cluttering up your brain?

Perhaps what I really want to explore is the effect of all those little unfinished jobs that are running around in your brain and occasionally pop out at unexpected, and maybe even unwelcome, moments. You know – that little voice inside your head that says “You never sent Auntie Ethel a birthday card” or “Whatever happened to that memorial bench you were going to buy for your dad?”. Those little things to which you committed yourself at some time, yet somehow never seem to have got done – let’s call them Incompletes.

Here’s an exercise – make a list of them. Get out a sheet of paper and a writewith – start writing, one per line, all those little promises, committment, ideas… that you have still to deliver. NB I do not mean the big stuff – “Redecorate the house” or “Build a garage” – but the smaller, realtively easily done stuff as in my earlier examples. Keep writing, most people (me included!) make a rather long list – when you think you have finished, go for a cup of tea and come back and add whatever it is you have remembered whilst making the tea; maybe you can put the list on the fridge or somewhere else handy so that you can add to it as you remember things.

My guess, indeed my experience, is that you will start completing them now you have written them down – and more so if you put them where they are easily visible.

Every one of these tasks has been cluttering up your brain, and stopping it from being as effective as it/you might be. It is as if each little Incomplete was occupying a bit of grey matter, the more incompletes you have, the more grey matter is tied up in unproductive effort. Once you actually do the action, the grey cell is free to concentrate on more pressing (and important?) matters.

So, whatever it was cluttering up your brain, this is a simple little exercise to start to clear the decks for action. Let me know how it goes for you….