A few days ago I posted on our Facebook page what was described as a Buddhist prayer of forgiveness
If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly or through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in anyway either knowingly or unknowingly or through their own confusions I forgive them.
And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions I forgive myself.
This came to mind when I met a very old friend of mine a couple of days ago and we started talking about our joint experiences in the industry that we both served for over 30 years. What that conversation brought to my mind was an incident towards the end of my career when I believed, and continue to believe, that I was treated very poorly. The details are irrelevant, what is relevant in this context is my becoming aware just how passionately I spoke about this particular incident and how strong was my ongoing dislike of the perpetrators. Even talking about this 12 year old incident triggered feelings of anger that quite surprised me.
Interestingly, the outcome of the incident was satisfactory because somebody who has, in my view, a significantly stronger appreciation of the impact of the decision, not only on me but on the several thousand people who hear, about it stepped in and reversed the decisions that had so infuriated me. So in practice, the bad behaviour (and even 12 years later I still consider it to be extremely bad behaviour) had no long term objective impact. Yet here I am writing a blog about how that emotionally charged event can and does still leads to negative emotions even 12 years on. For some reason I have been unable to forget the perpetrators. And I wonder why.
Those of a religious persuasions tend to be advised to either turn the other cheek or pluck an eye for an eye – I do not fall into this camp and anyway I cannot agree with an eye for an eye and really don’t see the point of letting someone abuse me twice. Over recent years we have heard a lot about the importance of the psychological contract between employer and employee and it is clear in retrospect that not only was the legal contract broken but the psychological contract didn’t appear to have even been considered. I had trusted that my employer would honour the terms of the written contract we agreed and would continue to act honourably. Well neither of those things happened and it is now clear that that fundamental breach of trust, and in my eyes it was a very fundamental breach, lies behind my unwillingness to forgive.
Yet the paradox is that I really do believe that the individuals involved were doing the best they could in the circumstances. That it failed to meet my needs was perhaps a function of both me being unable to express those needs and them being unable or unwilling to hear and act on that request.
I have not met either of these individuals in the last 12 years, nor do I intend to, and yet the episode has been there in the back of my mind gnawing away and occasionally surfacing to sap my energy. That stops here and now. I forgive you ‘R’, I forgive you ‘K’.
So, my query to you dear reader is what events in your past are still there in the back of your mind, occasionally gnawing at your energy? Who do you need to forgive for what, and how are you going to do that? And as you are forgiving, remember that your own ‘un-forgiving’ has served some purpose so perhaps the degree level question that follows your forgiveness is to explore what that secondary gain has been and how you replace it with something more constructive and life affirming.
On yet more reflection, it seems to me that holding on to this hurt must serve me in some way. Maybe once I can find out how it has been serving me I can address the issue and move on?
Thoughtful stuff.
I am reminded of the proverb (?) “to err is human, to forgive divine”.
As I don’t hold much with the ideas behind divine, it is probably just as well I don’t use the proverb. On the other hand, I recognise erring when it happens!
The issue of re-awakening anger by re-stimulation of a memory which is vivid and full of emotional content happens a lot doesn’t it? I know it has happened to me. And many of my friends and acquaintances would report the same sort of “hot button”.
However, I realise that what is a hot button for you, might not be the same as for me, or a third or more persons. I can see a pattern in my responses. For instance, when I have been treated in way that is unfair, or worse, deliberately cheated, can quickly be a hot button.
The five-year-old-in-the-playground-me comes to the fore and I can be awash with confusion and hurt.
Forgiveness in this situation, has several components for me (and I may not have thought of them all) facing and feeling the injustice; allowing myself to feel the hurt; considering the perpetrator(s) and what their position might be; seeing if there is a way to let the perpetrator know without opening myself up to further exploitation; having a practice of letting the hurt, and the memory of the cause of pain, go. Even then, one can be a long time doing this before realising that forgiveness has happened.
So may be, for me, the lesson from holding on to the hurt, is that forgiveness is a process containing many actions. I can see too, that in other areas of my life, doing let it be, or doing we’ll see what turns up, may be an echo from such learning.
Worth exploring.
Maybe someone else will comment too?
I empathise with your experience, Geoff, and see your concerns as another sad manifestation of the way most organisations in the UK are still managed.
Indeed, while over the past 50 years or so, there have undoubtedly been huge steps forward in terms of improving the way work gets done in organisations (think: just-in-time manufacture, lean thinking, global supply chain integration, etc), it has to be said there’s been almost no improvement whatsoever in the way most organisations are managed.
Hence, it seems to me the opportunity going forward is less around improving the way the work gets done in organisations and more around improving how they are managed.
Your thoughts, Geoff?
I can only agree Alan. I have often found it strange that companies and individuals are generally prepared to invest money in training people in the technical aspects of their jobs, yet when it comes to management and leadership the equivalent investment is not seen as valuable. I still remember upsetting an ex-MD of ours by challenging him, after he had been with us for 3 months and was briefing the senior management on what he had found and what he planned to do, along the lines of “Well, that’s all good stuff **** but I wonder whether what you are going to get is not necessarily what you want but what the 4500 people employed by this company are going to give you?”
If only more managers and leaders really believed that old mantra ‘People are our most important asset’!
I think that recognising this issue was one of the factors that shifted my ‘allegiance’ from techy matters to those associated with people and change.